Do these pants make my ass look big?

The trap was set  unintentionally with a relatively innocent question from the little wife as I got out of bed, "Do these pants make my ass look big?" Sharp fellow that I am, I realized that this one is a death trap, it has to be avoided. But how? She already decided that something was the matter with the picture, that left me with no space to maneuver.

If I uttered a confident "No", she would ask, "What is it then that makes me look fat?" I saw no way off that slippery slope. The response was taking too much time already, I could see it in her face. A simple question demanded a simple answer.

Should I turn comedian with, "Not your pants Hun, it's your ass, that makes your ass look huge!" Most definitely not; that would turn out expensive, very expensive.

I considered, "What about Yes, simple yes?" She needed a response by then, I got the evil eye. The return would be, "So, am I suddenly turning into old fatso?" That was another dead end to avoid. Very evil eye, and I stuttered, "A, ah". My brain seemed to be on vacation for a moment, "Where is that sharp fellow you thought you were at the start of this adventure now?" popped into my scull.

Should I have said something clever like, "I do not know". "Right genius", I thought, the pitch would be back to, "If not the pants, what then?" I was going in circles when I needed an answer. She was truly amused by my silence by then and stopped all other activities to observe me and said, "What now, did you swallow the old flaming tongue completely? That's hazardous, a person can die from that."

The turning gears in my head reminded me of a friend who once reverted to a stock answer in a similar situation, "You have a mirror check for yourself". He was proud of the week of quiet as he spent time in the dog box for that brilliance, "Good old me time", he called it. "Learn from other's stupidity, not imitate it, that's the clever thing to do", another frantic thought. All confidence was gone by then and I felt stupid; stupid and trapped.

Then my mind cleared,  "If you are in a real tight spot, maybe the truth is not so bad", was the final thought before I could string some words together. With an amazingly dry throat, I told her in a shivering voice, not sounding like me at all, "That is an impossible question with no outcome for me, I can have no result there". I shared my train of thought with her, spilled my guts and bore my soul. She was fine with the explanation and understood the sudden illness I contracted, I still paid for it though. Got a knock on the head for my effort and honesty.

She is not huge at all, if you wondered, and I told her as much too!

25 August 2013