Arse Flavoured Pellets Please

I cannot imagine how bad dog pellets must taste.  Considering the evidence, I am sure as hell not going to risk tasting it either, the mystery shall remain.  If you read the package it should be quite palatable, but maybe the factory got the taste all wrong.

We took the two dogs for a walk.  They are quite cute, these two sisters, perfect specimens of the Pekingese breed.  They have an inability to express happiness through facial expression; bred with a constant frown and upside-down mouth features they look permanently unhappy.  Thus, the only way to know if they are happy is from the external signs - bouncing like a rhino in heat, shivering with excitement, and the universally understood tail wagging.  Their faces still portraying eternal morbidity.

We were merely walking up the street, but these two beasts were super exited with all the signs in full blossom, when my observations were conducted.  Like the historic Leonardo da Vinci, I did not interfere with their actions, nor did I try to lead them too much, I just observed.  They were sniffing at everything available - old bags, drain pipes, oil stains, bottles, and anything else that crossed our path.  Posts, any posts, standing proud with lamps, or with signs on them, were the best – they seemed to be bubbling with a microcosm of smell which could not be appreciated with a simple passing by, it required stopping and taking in the evidence like an unrushed connoisseur.  Connoisseurs, they truly were, merrily sniffing about on our route, savouring every smell.

The only action which posted any challenge to the posts was relentless butt sniffing.  This was done with no discretion.  Their own, each other’s, and even the random alternative dog innocently passing by got a proper sniff down in the rear, before being waved off.  Clearly, their inability to read made them immune to understanding of the term “germs”, and this activity was top notch entertainment and delight.

My dogs are very healthy despite their relentless interaction with germs.  My wife, excellent mother that she is, tries to feed them only proper dog pellets - the expense type.  With absolute stealth do the other house inhabitants slip pass a bit of food from the table to their begging eyes.  If the well-doer is however found out by killer mom, the consequences are horrible.  Since this is not a horror story, I refuse to elaborate.  The only legal treat allowed in moderation, is dog biscuits.  The dogs love their biscuits and will happily surrender to that as only approved meal if mother would give the idea a nod.

Gina and Bella lurking and praying for gravity to provide.

The one dog, Gina, weights 4 kilos.  Her sister, Bella, pushes down the scale to a well underfed 3 kilos.  Observing the two at home explains the source of this difference in gravitational influence quite well.  They are both equally successful in their begging for scraps off the table, but Gina is the one that succumbs to hunger more frequently, and then have some of the ever-present pellets.  The packaging claims chicken liver flavoured.  Bella, on the other hand, refuses to drop that low in social standing, and her main dietary needs are fulfilled by Gina’s earwax.  Mining for the sweet nectar is something she developed into a fine art with remarkable efficiency.  The return of favour explains the source of Gina’s extra weight.  The symbiotic relationship allows Gina an equally fair supply of earwax, from the Bella brand this time.  I can testify this is their main hobby, a horrifying discovery. 

A lot said to paint the picture, but where did it go wrong?  We do make chicken liver from time to time, for human consumption.  When the tiniest of pieces fall to the ground, Bella will appear from underneath the stove where she is lurking and lick it up from whatever surface became the resting place of the shrapnel.  The dog pellets however, with the same supposed taste, do not receive any attention, unless weakness drives her to this final source of nourishment.  The conclusion can only be that, either the factory got the recipe wrong, or the imbecile that designs the tastes does not have the foggiest idea of what chicken liver tastes like.

Should they apply their minds however, and observe a dog or two, they will be able to design a taste that will be loved by any dog.  I do however see a problem in defining the attributes of the taste.  In order to know if the taste was nailed, it had to be sampled by one of those guys with exceptional taste abilities, and compared with the real thing.  I think it would be possible, with the correct motivation, to get the odd volunteer to taste the final product.  Keeping the expected outcome a secret might also be critical in the approach.  Finding the perfect taster to go lick on a dogs’ arse and making the appropriate notes to define the taste for reproduction, is where the trouble lies.  I just do not see that happening.  No connoisseur of note will violate his taste buds with an action like that to make a dog’s life better.

With this understood, Bella will stay skinny, and “Fresh dog arse taste” pellets is not a label that will appear on the shelves soon.

Sunday 16 June, 2013